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ŠTO SAM NAUČILA IZ SVOJIH NEUSPJEHA?

Neki dan D. i ja razgovarale smo o mogućnosti pokretanja njenog novog posla.  D. inače radi u korporaciji na poziciji koja (pre)malo govori o njoj i njenim sposobnostima. Svjesno je odabrala financijski sigurniju budućnosti i ono što se tada objektivno moglo nazvati ‘logičan slijed događaja’, ali intuitivno je znala da će doći trenutak u kojem, ono što je nekoć bilo razumno  postupanje, danas naprosto neće biti dovoljno. Kao velikoj kreativki i s vidljivim potencijalom za velike stvari, bilo je pitanje trenutka u kojem će Intuicija pokucati na njena sigurna vrata i pokušati je izbaciti iz neudobne uredske stolice koja ju je oduvijek žuljala.

Iako smo obje prošle tridesetu i po nekoj „zdravoj“ logici koja me krasila u 20-ima, ne bismo se toliko trebale bojati novih izazova –  obje  zaključujemo da se takve vrste neuspjeha bojimo više no ranije. Razmišljala sam što je s drugim ženama – boje li se kao i mi napraviti nešto za sebe? Nešto riskantno i odvažno? Glupo i ne nužno egzistencijalne naravi samo zato što strepe od neuspjeha koji bi mogao pokucati na vrata njihovoj hrabrosti? Uvrštavaju li u svoje kalkulacije faktor djece, kredita, nedostatka potpore ili možda svoje godine? Kako izgledaju njihove računice i bacaju li se na glavu unatoč neriješenim nepoznanicama u tišini željene budućnosti?

Čini mi se da čovjek nerijetko otkriva svoju istinsku hrabrost u situacijama u kojima spašava svoju živu glavu ili dobrobit ljudi koje voli. Tada, kao da ne mari za mogućnost neuspjeha jer je u iznimnim uvjetima stvar vrlo jednostavna – nema što izgubiti pa se zapravo njegova borba za goli život (koji je ponekad više stvar metafore no doslovnog značenja) pretvara u herojski čin u kojem otkriva svoje nove slojeve. Postaje heroj svog života, pomalo po koincidenciji.

S druge strane, kad vam život nije ugrožen, a ni neki njegov aspekt posebno narušen, ako dakle samo razmišljate o nekom hrabrom pothvatu, kao D. o novom poslu, najčešće postajete kukavica po defaultu.  Nedostatak veće opasnosti koja bi vas gurnula u spasonosni ponor, stvara prostor za razmišljanje o svim onim negativnim i nepoželjnim stvarima koje bi se mogle dogoditi na putu do dna.  I baš zbog njega, ne pomičete se s mjesta godinama.

Istina, pokretanje vlastitog posla nije spašavanje žive glave. D. nije ugrožena niti joj neki životni aspekt visi o koncu svog postojanja. Ona samo, poput tisuće žena, sluša neki čudni glasić iznutra i pokušava definirati što joj šapuće i kako da se s tim monologom nosi. Poteškoće joj pritom stvara popratno laprdanje koje se može svesti na onu dobro poznatu,  izlizanu –

„ Ali što ako ne uspiješ?“.

 

Neuspjeh – ta prosta riječ.

Moram priznati da me o njemu kao normalnoj pojavi nije učio baš nitko, što mi se čini na momente suludim. Kao da je svima pomalo ispran mozak imperativom uspjeha pa ako se isti ne dogodi, njegov izostanak prešutno se gura ispod imaginarnog tepiha srama. No, iz svih svojih doživljenih neuspjeha, uspjeha i epizoda između njih, nešto sam ipak praktično i naučila.

 

1.      PRVI  KORAK NIJE NAJTEŽI

Kao netko tko je u životu često napravio prvi korak  (a posljednji je bio upravo na blogu nakon 13 mjeseci neaktivnosti) i tko je do nedavno tvrdio da je prvi korak najteži, mogu zapravo opovrgnuti samu sebe i rado ću to ovom prilikom i učiniti.  Prvi korak zapravo uopće nije najteži. Puno su teži svi ostali koji slijede jer oni objelodanjuju postojanje dosljednosti ili njezin izostanak. I baš ti koraci, koraci dosljednosti i ustrajnosti, imaju glavnu riječ kada je u pitanju ispisivanje happy enda u priči o uspjehu. Sada mi se čini da mantranje „prvi korak je najteži“ umjesto zastrašivanju,  više nalikuje nekakvom tepanju jer ta rečenica kao da nas zavarava indirektno pričajući priču  o prečici do uspjeha. Ako odradimo prvi korak, sve ostalo je lakše? Kakva opasna zabluda. Tek onda treba zasukati rukave.

No, ako postoji kategorizacija strahova na tom famoznom putu do uspjeha onda bih strah od prvog koraka opisala kao najveći. Ili točnije – kao najveću iluziju. Kad razbiješ nju, svi ostali strahovi nestaju ili se, u najmanju ruku, naočigled smanjuju.

Dakle, ako razmišljaš o nekom pothvatu ili životnoj promjeni koja ti ulijeva strah u kosti, znaj da je strah kurva koju prate velike oči. I znaj da će se rasplinuti na tisuće iluzornih nebitnosti, čim napraviš taj prvi korak. Stoga, napravi ga. Isto tako znaj, da je taj prvi korak pič*** dim. I da ćeš morati napraviti još sto tisuća idućih da dođeš do ostvarenja nekog svog sna.  I to je u redu. Hodat ćeš i unatraške povremeno. I to je u redu. Bitno je da ipak, nakon rikverca, vratiš u prvu i nastaviš. S vremenom ćeš posezati za drugom, a vjeruj mi i trećom brzinom na mjenjaču svoje hrabrosti. Samo se kreći i ne brini.

 

2.      NE, NE MORAŠ SE OSJEĆATI LOŠE ZBOG NEUSPJEHA

I vrapci na grani znaju da je naš  najbolji učitelj – neuspjeh. No, svaki put kada s velikim (ne)uspjehom padnemo na nekom životnom ispitu, djelujemo kao amateri koji su prvi put čuli za tu teoriju. Nije poanta, dakle,  svladati tu dobro znanu teoriju. Nju je naprosto nemoguće usvojiti dok se praktično ne osjeti. Poanta je naučiti ne osjećati se toliko loše kada se ona dogodi.  Ne okrivljavati se, ne zamjerati si.

Ako vam je netko kroz život održao barem jedan monolog na ovu temu, smatrajte se privilegiranim. Većina nas neuspjeh je do rane mladosti doživljavala sramotno i pomalo tragično, a bunt svih tih nepovoljnih emocija  uredno složila u ladice srama. Iste smo, dakako, zaključali, a ključić si objesili oko vrata.  Ono što nismo znali jest da će taj, naizgled, maleni ključić težiti tonu i da se zbog njega nećemo kretati u pravcu onoga što istinski želimo. Kada napokon doživiš one „žarulja“ momente koji ti uistinu otvore oči i kroz koje uvidiš i osjetiš, da su neuspjesi stvarno normalna pojava, nije ti jasno kako bi ikako moglo biti drugačije. No ne možeš pobjeći spoznaji da si do tog dana, Dana D, razmišljao sasvim drugačije.

 

3.      SAMOKRITIČNOST IMA DVA LICA – KLJUČNO JE POZNAVATI OBA

Ako sam išta naučila u svoja 3 desetljeća života, onda je to da me moja samokritičnost nije nigdje dovela. Stav strogoće i perfekcionizma koji sam si nametnula, u masu situaciju rezultirao je time da se osjećam loše, potišteno i besperspektivno. U takvim uvjetima, u takvom ozračenju čovjek ne može stvarati. Barem ne onako kako bi mogao. I to zato što naprosto nije sav svoj. No nekada samokritičnost može biti plodna. Zbog nje želimo biti bolji. Nju blagoslivljam i ona nam istinski treba.  Kako ih danas razlikujem, a to nisam uspijevala ranije? Evo jednog slikovitog primjera.

Tekst koji sam čitala maločas, a koji sam još prošli mjesec završila i blagoslovila – sada sam proklela. Moram ga uskoro objaviti, a kritičarka u meni tvrdi da je jadan. Bezvezan. I da bi ga trebala mijenjati. Osjećam se uistinu loše radi toga. Stvarno sam se trudila. I uostalom, ne bih ga blagoslovila da nisam bila zadovoljna.  Primjećujem da je samokritika lijepo upakirana nesigurnost i strah od onoga što se može dogoditi kad ga objavim.  Iako sam ga napisala u  počecima vlastite spisateljske reaktivacije, ne želim ga korigirati jer bi to značilo da ću ujedno poslati poruku samoj sebi da tekst nije dovoljno dobar, a ja nedovoljna.

Ovaj  tekst, s druge strane, krenula sam pisati prije nekih dva sata. Nakratko ga ostavila i otišla doručkovati. Kritičarka u meni je shvatila da može biti bolji i da neke stvari mogu jasnije reći. Pratio me dobar osjećaj. Pomislila sam: „Ovo je dobar smjer, ali može biti i bolji.“ Znam da to mogu iznijeti bolje i da vam to, uostalom, i dugujem – dati više od sebe.

Dakle u oba slučaja sam bila kritična prema sebi, ali prateći svoj inner talk i osjećaj koji je moj unutarnji monolog kreirao, shvatila sam da je samo druga kritika, uistinu konstruktivna i kao takva poželjna. Ako je moj unutarnji monolog, popraćen prijezirom zbog kojeg se osjećam jadno – kakve koristi od njega imam, što ću „takva“ stvoriti i kome će to, pobogu, koristiti?

 

4.      NE ZABORAVI NA LJUBAV. U NEUSPJEHU JOŠ I VIŠE. VOLI SE TADA NAJJAČE I NAJVIŠE

Činjenica je da te ljudi manje „vole“ kad si „neuspješan“, a obasipaju lovorikama kada si vidljivo uspješan. Ali činjenica je da ta ljubav ili simpatija uvjetovana njihovim osjećajima koji u njima pobuđuje tvoj put. To tapšanje po ramenima, iako može biti ugodno, a nekad i jako ugodno, nema puno veze s tvojim koracima.  Nauči se tapšati sam. Čak i kad drugi misle da za to nema objektivnih razloga.

Ako ti se pak čini da to dvoje (ljubav i neuspjeh) ne bi trebalo stajati u istoj rečenici, onda vjerojatno imaš još puno posla u svom osobnom dvorištu. Primi se motike i riješi se korova. Cvijeće (u tebi) želi izrasti.*

 

 Limitirana svojim  dosadašnjim iskustvima, analitiku neuspjeha završit ću ovdje i to  konstatacijom da na ovom svijetu uistinu fali samo više hrabrosti – svima nama. Fali nam i sreće, dakako, nećemo se lagati. Ali i sreća prati hrabre. Želim nam, stoga, više hrabrosti da budemo svoji,  da prigrlimo ono što nam život dodijeli. Da se hrabro pogledamo u oči i kada mislimo da u odrazu svojih zjenica nemamo što vidjeti. Da se hrabro zagrlimo, kada nas nema tko dotaknuti. Da se odvažno otpravimo na put, na kojem ćemo se ponovo pronaći. Baš takvi, nekome ludi, nedovoljni i neuspješni, sebi ćemo biti najbolji.

 

*vrtlarenje je zabavno

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