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Iako je od tog dana prošlo već dosta godina, sjećam se kao da je bilo jučer.

Radila sam kao studentica u jednoj firmi i pored svog redovnog posla, prihvaćala dodatne zadatke za Odjel marketinga. Oni naravno nisu bili financijski vrednovani. Smatralo se to ulaganjem u budućnost. Iluzornu mogućnost da ću, jednom kada diplomiram, ostati u firmi na poziciji koja me uistinu i zanimala. Moji izvanredni zadaci bivali su sve češći i kompleksniji, no ja sam ih radosno prihvaćala. Oduvijek sam voljela izazove u domeni onoga što sam htjela raditi. Moje su prezentacije i analize završavale na raznim sastancima, isprezentirane od svih osim mene. Neka – pomišljala sam. Doći će i moje vrijeme. Smatrala sam to potvrdom onoga što sam intuitivno osjećala – da ću u onome što sam planirala raditi, biti odlična.

Jednom prilikom dobila sam novi zadatak. Iza osmosatnog radnog vremena, jurila bih kući i (besplatno) radila na novom projektu. Perfekcionistički nastrojena, radila bih neumorno sve dok ne bih osjetila onaj intuitivni blagoslov u vlastitim grudima. Kada sam nakon nekoliko dana završila projekt i poslala ga nadređenima, osjećala sam mir. Njega osjećam kada uistinu znam da sam dala sve od sebe. To objektivno ne mora biti dovoljno drugoj strani, no u datom trenutku, to je najbolje od mene. Vodila sam se već tada onom – ne mogu dati ono što nemam. No imala sam mnogo već tada, to sam znala.

Ubrzo nakon slanja projekta, jedna od zaposlenica na visokoj funkciji, uzdrmala je moje uvjerenje javno ismijavši moj rad. Kolegice koje su svjedočile tom prizoru s nelagodom su mi prenijele njezin komentar upućen drugoj strani: „Što je ono bilo?! hahahaha“. Njime je „konstruktivno“ aludirala na moju smiješnu prezentaciju. Preplavio me val razočarenja.  Nije mi bilo jasno zašto bi osoba na poziciji moći željela posramiti nekoga na takav prizeman način? Jednu nebitnu studenticu?

Dva tjedna poslije, ismijana i (samim studentskim statusom) marginalizirana, dobila sam neuobičajen poziv na sastanak koji je bio povezan s mojim projektom. Poziv je došao od samog direktora. Bila sam pomalo zbunjena. Iako je projekt bio namijenjen za njegove oči, dotična koja me ismijala, u mojim je očima bila njegov glasnogovornik, a u izostanku njegove reakcije, zaključila sam da ih veže ujedinjeni stav spram moje nedovoljnosti. Što se događa, pomislila sam? Neiskusna i pomalo uplašena, sjela sam u salu za sastanke na kojem je prisustvovalo nekoliko, meni nepoznatih, ljudi. Razgovaralo se o temama koje sam obradila u svom projektu, a zatim je taj isti direktor iznio moje ideje na stol. Prilikom izgovaranja svake, pogledao me potvrdno blago kimajući glavom. Iako sam pomišljala da mi se priviđa i da je „slično razmišljanje“ samo velika koincidencija koja me oduševljavala, danas mi je sasvim jasno da je moj projekt prošao fazu ismijavanja, ali je u konačnici došao u ruke onoga kome je i bio namijenjen. A očito i potreban. Prezentacija ideja jedne studentice ne ide u prilog velikim igračima, no uvažavanje mog rada, rijetkost je koju sam ipak doživjela kroz neuobičajen poziv na sastanak, banalno kimanje glavom i prešutno odobravanje između redaka.

Zašto sam se ovog uopće danas sjetila?

Kopajući arhivu na svom laptopu, naletjela sam na stare slike, ali i projekt koji sam tada radila. Razgalila me razina dosjetljivosti i razmišljanje izvan okvira koje je bilo vidljivo na svakoj stranici mog rada. Osjetila sam potrebu reći toj mladoj i ambicioznoj Ivi – bravo! Ne zbog sadržaja ispisanog u prezentaciji koja je postala dio mog i tuđeg zaborava, no zbog činjenice da unatoč „napadu“ navodno kompetentnije osobe – nije ustuknula pred vlastitom intuicijom koja je, i kada drugi to nisu, ustrajala na osobnoj valorizaciji vlastitog truda, želje i ambicije da kreira.

No, kako to obično biva, s vremenskim odmakom i privilegijom gledanja unatrag, mudrije razaznajemo obrise ljudskosti koja ponekad izostaje, ali na tu se učestalu pojavu više i ne ljutimo. Uredno složimo nove lekcije u džepove i s njima se mudrije dalje krećemo. Moje su stale u tek nekoliko redaka, a glase:

·         Poniziti vas nikada neće osoba koja zna više od vas.

·         Poniziti vas nikada neće osoba koja je sigurna u sebe i svoje znanje.

·         Poniziti vas nikada neće osoba koju ne zastrašuje tuđi potencijal.

·         Poniziti vas nikada neće osoba koja je gladna učenja i razvoja, a ne čuvanja uhljebske stolice.

·         Poniziti vas nikada neće osoba koja rado dijeli svoja znanja.

·         Ponižavanje nikada ne donosi neku vrijednost. Kako poniženoj strani tako ni akteru tog djela.

·         Nitko vas ne može poniziti ako sami sebi to ne učinite.

Tog sam dana osjetila duboko u grudima da je percepcija mene i moje vrijednosti, moj unutarnji posao – a ne procjena prepuštena drugima. Kao pravoj štreberici, nije mi promaknulo zapisati i najvažniji zaključak s predavanja koje se tog dana odvijalo na temu ‘kvalitete mentorstva’.

U mojoj mentalnoj mapi zauvijek će stajati bilješka:

Mentorstvo je poput roditeljstva. Ponekad zapadne i one čija je tragična nedoraslost najbolnija za dijete. Takav je roditelj rijetko svjestan svog lošeg performansa.

Podijeli!

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